These basic rules of survival have proven to be reliable thousands of times; they come from the mixed source of Thai ladies and literally hundreds upon hundreds of men alone in the Land of Smiles.

You may be skeptical at first, but time will surely prove the wisdom..

OK, there is sensational entertainment out there waiting for you. There is essentially little difference between a Thai Lady and a Thai Ladyboy. One has ovaries and a pussy, the other doesn’t. One can suck a golf ball up a ½ inch waterpipe, the other can’t. The Thai female form may come in any variety but the one thing she will possess is charm and finesse personified. Eye contact occurs in a mili-second and is a finely-honed skill which will leave you breathless, happy and heart-a-beating but hopefully not without your substantial holiday savings. These few points, if followed, will ensure a happy ending..

One. Nearly every single lady is available to be a companion, whether she works in a Department Store, Beauty Salon, Law Office or a Bar. ‘Going with customer’ is a time-honored occupation and there is no social distinction inferred when a lady earns some extra over-time. Her role in life is to take care of the family members while her male counterparts get on with the serious business of doing next to nothing. She and she alone is the responsible bread-winner, which brings us to...

Two. Get used to the concept of giving money as it is the ultimate ‘good feeling’ and ensures you have a ‘good heart’. Whether it is 30 Baht for a Taxi-Motorci or 20,000 Baht for the sister’s daughter’s school fees; always give money. Never give presents and don’t go on expensive tourist junkets or to fancy restaurants. Far better to give what you would normally waste in cash so she can do what is best for her family. Let her make the choice, not you.

Three. You must not be single! This can open a can of worms much better remained sealed. You can always fall in love later because this way you get to see and know her in a real sense. Tell her you have a girlfriend or wife, you love her and you only ever stay with her, but on this holiday you are going to have some ‘happy hour’. This will give her the freedom to continue her career without worrying about how you feel, you are free to look around and Thai ladies love to be with devoted married men. They believe they are less trouble, less likely to carry disease, and provide more sensibly. However if the inevitable occurs when she asks why are a ‘butterfly’ the answer is simple. You like to go to the same restaurant every day, but you don’t eat chicken every day. You are on holiday.

Four. She doesn’t ask you about your customers at work, so don’t ask her. You don’t need to know and you will only get a less than accurate answer. Same goes about her Thai boyfriend. If you ask she will tell you that ‘Thai man no good’ and ‘finish him long time’. This may be partially true, but in more than 90% of cases, she has a Thai boyfriend who helps her distribute her earnings or she has a ‘Gik’. You need to understand that she has to pay the Thai man to shag-her, not the other way around which explains why the boys are abundant in Karoke Bars and Thai ladies go there. It’s abit like a Pub we used to go to after work. Think about it, they have been at work trying to please some Farang who they don’t understand and he doesn’t understand their ways. After work, she can go and get a boy, have a laugh in her language and ways, enjoy a few drinks and have a quick shag with no commitment or problem.

Five. If you start to become girlfriend-boyfriend be prepared that she will continue with one or more other men. This is her only security as in more cases than not, the Farang who has been promising his undying love and a home in the country all of a sudden dumps her for a newer model. She has been lied-to many times so she has to get smarter and tougher until she can be sure that he is going to really take care of her. Initially, at least, most men are loathe to provide a substantial monthly income to someone they hardly know or trust. So she keeps two or three income streams open for the time being. She has to because of...

Six. Her family demands. These can be staggering, grossly unfair and a tremendous worry for the lady. Some families are more like a torrent than a dripping-tap. They never let up and expect some tens of thousands of baht to be deposited every month. If you end-up with a wonderful Thai wife then this can all change for the better. Don’t think about it for now, just understand why it happens.

Seven. You are her customer, and she is giving you one of the best times in your life. She is not your girlfriend and you are not her buddy. She is going out with you and spending time with you for money. Not for love and certainly not for a ‘good time to get away from the bar’. She loves the bar and all the benefits it gives; this is her work! So you must always pay her for all the time she spends with you. At the bar, eating, beach, bowling or the bedroom. An electrician or lawyer gets paid for his time and so must she. Or as they say ‘problem will follow’. Never ever ever get caught by the seemingly innocent phrase when you discuss money of ‘up to you’. This translates to ‘at the end I will get what I really want’, so the next rule is absolutely vital!

Eight. You MUST discuss EVERYTHING about money first, even though this may be a very foreign feeling for you. You must talk about how long will she stay tonight (or tomorrow), what you like to do in the bedroom, what she doesn’t do or like to do in the bedroom, and importantly how much is a happy ‘feeling’ for both parties. Don’t leave this or be doomed! You have been warned! If you do this properly then chances are you are going to have a truly wonderful time with your new found delicate dolly.

Thai ladies really are fantastic partners. But you are the potential problem, not them. You are not in England, Australia or USA. You are a guest in a foreign land. They do not care if you stay or leave. As far as they are concerned, their life will not change for the worse. It is not, and will never be the same as ‘back home’.

Accept them as Thai people, not people who you think should change for your better. Accept or go back to the picket-fence in the suburbs, the Labrador, the Volvo and the size 22 wife. And dream about the only head-job you got when you were first courting. In any event that won’t in anyway compare with a golf ball being sucked-up a ½” waterpipe. Have fun..

THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN AS A DISCUSSION PAPER. IT IS SIMPLY PASSING-ON EXPERIENCES. IT IS NOT A FORUM FOR OPINIONS. Thanks.